The Many Life Teachings of Keggleskin

Lesson 1: When outnumbered:

Start yelling as much gibberish as possible, when you are finished with this yelling, tell everyone in the immediate vincinity that you have just summoned one of the following:
1) A great shield that protects you, giving you +3 armor to all striking zones.
2) A greater dire rat, which you cannot see but is very deadly.
3) A poisonous fog, which slowly kills everyone in a 100 ft. radius.
Now begin flapping your arms very wildly, this seems to help scare the enemy.

Lesson 2: When flanking:

Make as much noise as possible, this might not be what some see as a fitting idea. Though, it will cause many people to turn their back to your allies. Yell "Watch your back" and then continue to throw very many rocks in their general direction.

Lesson 3: When catching squigs:

Place a squigs favorite meal in a location that they'll easily find. This is usually mushrooms or something very juicy of meat. Once they go to eat this meal jump on their back, making sure to put a good thumb in their eye, and then continue to hassle with them till they seem willing to fight for you. This will show your very grand awesome power and the ability to catch squigs. Other variants of squig catching, is with weighted nets, but this is the easy way out.

Lesson 4: When squaring off:

Yell "watch your back" or another variant of a very distracting phrase, take a few steps back (but within reach of your very very deadly weapon) allowing them to look behind them or the general direction of which you pointed, then with an greatly amazing leap do some damage. If you die, or anything, then you can try again in about 5 minutes.

Lesson 5: When squaring off, again:

Tell them you will kill them in the great timing of 3 Orc. Start counting while manuevering yourself towards an ally/teammate that will help you kill them. If this is not possible, then on the count of 2 begin attacking with a thousand furies.

Lesson 6: When summoning a greater demon:

Make sure to use a black candle (or one that is very dark) and the right type of incense. (I personally recommend the kind that smells like rotting flesh) Cut the sacrifice open (Preferably a kitten or an elderly person, this seem to be the easiest to obtain) and use the blood to make a circle. Chant your favorite greater demon summoning chant and do the greater demon summoning dance. After this, you may notice some crazy changes in your surroundings and a lot of heat coming from the circle. Back up and say hello to your new greater demon.

Lesson 7: When cooking hyoo-man:

Make sure you get a temperature over 500 degrees and prepare the human. Using very good herbs and spices is recommended because humans taste horrible. (Probably because they are created through very awful strange acts) I prefer to char the human to a very dark color, almost completely black, while still having the very juicy blood on the inside. A good nice seasoning is Mad Cap Mushroom, but don't feed it to any Night Goblins the end product might be something vicious. For a real monster you might try boar urine. (This is preferred among bugbears

Lesson 8: When you drop your weapon:

Tell them to please stop attacking you because it'd be very dishonorable. For some reason humans have a thing about honor. Put your hands above your head as if surrendering and walk close to your weapon, while still staying preferably close to the enemy at hand, quickly grab and try to strike the enemy. This works extremely well if you use a secondary weapon (which you should) and you drop the first and the other isn't visible, get close and kill.

Lesson 9: When reading:

Skip over any word that has the vowel O or A, this seems to cut reading down to a very minimum and you still get the jist of what happened. Things that are exempt from Lesson 9, are peoples names and all of my teachings. Because my teachings are very important, you shouldn't skip over any.

Lesson 10: When trick or treating:

Dress up as your favorite monster race or be yourself. This way you look just like everyone else and you can eliminate the dress up stage. Now that you like everyone else you can go around causing much chaos, like running over helpless kids with your squig and/or ice cream truck.

Lesson 11: When fighting the Uruk-Hai:

Simply summon everyones favorite LotR character: Legolas. He has an endless amount of arrows and can slay many of these "watermelons." He's a very magical elf, how awesome are elves? Well... they're not, at all.

Lesson 12: When wanting attention/to distract:

Whenever killed (which should never take place after reading these teachings) fall to the ground and die very dramatically. This includes holding ones stomach, saying you've been hit in the balls, and/or screaming very loudly. If they ask if you are ok, tell them it was completely for the dramaticness of combat. You want to look as if you've actually been killed, might as well do it in glory.

Lesson 13: When fighting Scotsman:

These little rascals are very strange and seem to wear skirts when on the battlefield. There are a few simple strategies to use when fighting these people who have bad teeth and smell strange. You can simply use your favorite killing tool and lift up said skirt or send a couple of sheep into the battlefield. Those seem to work, but if your courageous enough you can always yell "Braveheart sucks" while waving butterscotch in the air.

Lesson 14: When picking up women:

This is actually a very easy process, so easy that any one person can do it, male or female. This is the easiest way that I found and it seems to work quite well. Begin conversation with "Hey, would you like to breed?" Then they will reply with a yes/no/slap in the face answer. Reply with "Ok, well I have a mating hut made out of dead animal carcasses back at my place." This will make them jump right into your arms and you'll be "getting lucky" within a few hours.