BatSchwede
Attributes of The BatSchwede
Stats
- Has ruptured at least 100 kidneys
- Has the voice of a motherfucking angel
- May or may not be Sir Ugar, The Prince of Stench (Editors note, this is highly unlikely as Sir Ugar is less of a badass than the GODDAMN BatSchwede)
- He can chug a keg of beer and still be perfectly sober
- Is best friends with the Blue Beetle
Powers
- Destroying peoples kidneys just by glaring at them
- Screaming really fucking loudly at people
- Being intimidating
- HES THE GODDAMN BATSCHWEDE
Preface
This is a story about a legendary warrior known only as the BatSchwede. Nobody in the world knows anything about him (Except the dipshit writing this), who is he, where did he come from, why is he here? To be honest nobody gives a shit, but unfortunately for me you are reading this anyway so I might as well give you a good time.
BatSchwede Begins
Before the Batschwede there was no justice in the world, weebs ran amok, and Idiots prevailed throughout the land. Chaos ensued for years, and then suddenly like a bat out of hell the GODDAMNED BatSchwede appeared and wrecked all of their kidneys with his sick flail skills and epic deep wraps.
It is rumoured that he came to the Highlands of Chaos from a dark and desolate land. A place where the earth is salted and barren, where water is filled with unimaginable horrors. Iowa.
Another rumour concerning the origins of the BatSchwede is that he is just some dude in his late 20s who was bored with just utterly obliterating new fighters kidneys left and right, and needed a new outlet to channel his boredom this just goes to prove dangerous the BatSchwede really is when he is bored
The Dark Knight Rises
The first major recorded sighting of the BatSchwede was at the Highland of Chaos opener 2k16 where he joined forces a group of legendary fighters including (but not limited to) SuParMan, Booster Gold, The Blue Beetle, and many others. Together they fought against the forces of scrubdom and just looked completely badass while doing it. Here the BatSchwede proved himeself to be one of the greatest fighters in all of the land.
Here is a story from an eyewitness to this badassery that interviewed regarding the skill of the BatSchwede
"It all started out like a regular line fight, the heralds had us line up and lay on was called. Thats when I noticed everything was going wrong, the entire right flank of our line just dissolved into nothingness, and that is when I saw him. He was moving towards me with the grace and the fury of majestic velociraptor. By the time I realized that he was headed towards me it was too late, i scrambled to get into a proper stance to effectively deal with whatever this deamon could throw my way, but suddenly I heard a voice more beautiful than that of Adele scream a single word "BLUE", and then I felt my left kidney spasm in pain that can only be described as cross between getting a bullet removed and being forced to view Russian tentacle hentai.
The fight had ended in only a matter of minutes, and we were soon lined up again ready for the next fight i quivered with fear as the BatSchwede lined up directly across from me and looked directly into my eyes. What I saw in his eyes was an indescribable hatred. Lay on was called again, and in a matter of seconds I was once again dead on the ground writhing in pain."
Unfortunately the person I interviewed had some traumatic flashbacks and was unable to recount more of the encounter.
BatSchwede VS. SuParMan: Evening of Justice
Yeah...not gonna lie this is pretty dissapointing.
After a long amount of time angst and other shit built up between the Super Friends of Belegarth and the BatSchwede and SuParMan decided to have a showdown during the glorious events of "Chaos Wars XX: How Drunk Can I Get". The battle was expected to be the greatest clash of fighters since the dawn of time. The hype for this fight was so large that people were lining up for a decent view of the fight. Tickets were sold out and the guy selling the shitty hot dogs was making enough to put his 19 children through college.
And then SupParMan got hurt.......again, and the fight was canceled much to everyone's disappointment.
Conclusion
This is all the info I have on the BatSchwede. I will add more when he allows me to add more.
WARNING PLEASE DO NOT under any circumstances fight the BatSchwede 1v1 you will die and he will laugh.