Pirates
Pirate Info
- Hated by Metallica
- Awesome
- Smelly - It's called good personal filth management.
- Way cooler than Ninjas
- Make everybody die except for the hot chicks
- Physics Geniuses, how else could they shoot those cannons with such accuracy?
- The best drinkers and makers of Rum!
- Total Chick Magnets!
- We also have flying ships!
- Pirates loot and pillage all the time.
- The only thing that can kill a pirate is another pirate.
- Pirates drink rum almost exclusively. The only exception is for an occasional iced mocha or chai tea with 2% milk.
- Pirates Prefer BBQ- or Cajun-flavored potato chips.
- A pirate's sweat tastes like whiskey.
- Pirates possess parrots with eye patches and pirated prosthetic peg legs.
- Sometimes pirates kick cats just because.
- A pirate's semen is indestructable.
- Pirates hate all forms of dancing, except for break dancing, which lumberjacks would agree is awesome.
- All pirates have hair on their backs and knuckles.
- Women find this intriguing.
- A pirate ejaculates fully-grown leprechauns.
- A true pirate can vomit an exact image of Blackbeard urinating an exact picture of Leonardo Da Vinci's the Last Supper.
- The inverse relationship between the decline of the number of actual pirates in the world has been linked to the rise in the average surface temperature of Earth.
Ninja Myths vs. Real Facts
Myth: Ninjas are deadly assassins.
Fact: Pirates kick ass on land and sea.
Crap: Pirates suck because they lose their limbs.
Fact: Even while missing limbs, pirates put their peg legs up ninja asses.
Total Bullshit: Ninjas wear all black and are stealthy because they choose to be.
Fact: Ninjas didn't originally wear all black and be sneaky, but changed to their more commonly known attire and hid in the shadows because pirates spotted them too easily and whooped their asses before they even knew it was coming.
Nuh-uh: Pirates are gay.
Fact: The United Pirate Nation geniusly created a television network with shitty shows to distract the ninjas. The ninjas were mesmerized by the crappy programming while pirates pillaged the stupid ninja dojos. This network was named the "UPN". The ninjas were too dumb to make the connection between the two.
Nonsense: Ninjas are stealthier because they wear black, sneak around at night, and don't carry manly weapons.
Fact: Pirates can avoid harm when on the cramped deck of a rolling ship in high seas, surrounded by enemies carrying firearms and other weapons, all while carrying 100 pounds of loot on their back and a woman over their shoulder.
Not Even True: Pirates eat Quakers Cap'n Crunch cereal.
Fact: In 1994, the UPN decided that the official cereal of pirates would be Post Fruity Pebbles. This would be to utilize the Vitamin C to prevent scurvy, secondary to the fact that Cap'n Crunch shreds the roof of your mouth.
Stupid Ninjas Say: Ninjas are better because they go through rigorous training and pirates don't.
Fact: Pirates go through equal, if not harder training than ninjas. Everyone who wishes to become a Pirate must undergo this training, and at the end of this training must be examined in the following:
- Curly Moustache Growing (3 month exam, 5 months for Lady Pirates).
- Timber Shivering
- Accounting using Pieces of Eight
- Treasure Huntery
- Sword Fighting
- Stealing a gold idol from the mansion of the governor of Mêlée Island
- Approved Sea Shanties
- Killing Ninjas
- One of these two:
- Arrr
- Arrrrrrrr
See also: Lumberjacks