Pirates Versus Ninjas

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There has been a long standing debate in Belegarth and across the internet between Pirates and Ninjas as to which one of the two are better.

Contents

Why Pirates are better(only positives)

  • Better media coverage.
  • Pirates are backed by SCIENCE!
  • Pirates on average have a longer life-span.
  • They know how to sail.
  • They have rum.
  • They sing jolly good tales of rape and pillage.
  • They rape and pillage.
  • They learned how to beat scurvy.
  • They won on the forums 67% to 33 % [1]
  • They have a National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Yar!
  • Forkbeard's on our side.
  • They've got a starboard,
  • port,
  • aft and...
  • stern.
  • Johnny Depp.
  • Pirate booty.
  • Stylish accessorizable hooks.
  • A pirate ejaculates fully-grown leprechauns.
  • Sometimes pirates kick cats just because
  • Stylish accessorizable peg-legs.
  • They have canons.
  • Jolly Rogers look really cool.
  • They have guns
  • There were hot female pirates, just lookin for some booty
  • They get to cheat!
  • Better skin tone from being out in the sun.
  • Two words: independent operators.
  • Great options for pets.
  • Better overall reputation.
  • When cursed properly, they posess the powers of the undead.
  • Multicultural.
  • Ninjas' gunpowder/grenades makes themselves disappear. Pirates' gunpowder/grenades makes the ninjas disappear.
  • Pirate culture is inclusive toward the physically handicapped.
  • Maddox
  • Women can dress up like sexy pirate captains and board ye matee's vessle.(definatly worth +20)

  • The Pirate Wiki is better than the ninja Wiki, even after the ninjas edited theirs.
  • Pirates don't need superhuman abilities to compensate for a lack of free will.
  • Along the lines of the previous, we have free will.
  • Pirates can control sea monsters (see the film "Pirates of the Carribbean 2"), thereby rendering thrown and melee weapons ineffective.
  • Pirates are more globally-aware.
  • Sailors invented mounted guns.
  • Better beverage options.
  • Ever heard of "Ninja shanties?" Didn't think so. Again, +1 to Pirates.
  • Nothing instills an emotional tone better than a dramatically-edited video clip of a Pirate.
  • Pirates control fire much more efficiently.
  • Pirates have more creative styles of execution and punishment. "Walk the Plank" vs. "Death by Sword".
  • Pirates don't need stealt to win.
  • Pirates also are far superior at retreating. This may seem like a negative, but if you think about the principle of the ninja flash-bomb as masking your retreat, and that it insinuates that the ninjas can't cover their backs, it means that Pirates are better.
  • At any point, Pirates could steal the Ninjas' babies. And the ninjas would be too busy going out and scouting the Pirates' headquarters to do anything.
  • Little kids will play pirate before playing ninja, so Pirates have child-like innocence.
  • Along the lines of the previous, Pirates have the best prospects for future recruitment.
  • Pirates move more capital.
  • Booty, a pirate-exclusive term, is a double entendre.
  • The offical archaeological term for spoils taken from a military victory is "booty." As booty is pirate-exclusive, Pirates control Archaeology.
  • As "booty" is a pirate exclusive term, and it is widely known that attractive women must posess on some level a nice booty, Pirates control all attractive women.
  • Angmarth

  • Pirates have a larger vocabulary, including words such as swag, timbers, swabbie, avast, and mizzen-mast.
    • Also includes the Five A's:
      • Ahoy!
      • Avast!
      • Aye!
      • Aye Aye!
      • Arrr! (Not to be confused with "Arrgh!")
  • King Kingsford has the alliegence of many pirates as his knights
  • Never violate urinal etiquette
  • Flamethrowers
  • Still exist (See Peer to Peer Software)
  • Pirates are born with a fourth testicle...wait you mean to tell me that everyone else has two and not three? How many of theirs are made of uranium? None!? You've got to be shitting me...
  • Although, they may not have a wide vocabulary, they know several languages thus making it easier to travel Globally.

Why Ninjas are better(only positives)

  • Have deadly accuracy
  • Have Multiple Shurikens with fast and accurate abilities
  • Imune to pain
  • NEVER give into interragation
  • can run Hundred Miles withoute stopping
  • Can dislocate Limbs to escape restraints
  • Can walk on hands to avoid stumbling on furnishings
  • Can Hide in plain sight
  • Has mastered multiple weaponry tactics
  • Gewd Ninjas got mad infilitration and sneakiness skillz
  • ninjas know what a shield is, they just opt not to use one because it only slows them down
  • Have a wide variety of super awesome weapons and tools
  • Can block bullets
  • Totally rad guitar skills
  • May or may not be robots
  • Can fly
  • Ninjas can rape and pillage as effectively as a pirate can, but they can do it without being caught. Undetected rape is especially impressive.
  • Kumitsu Hayabusa, the Urban Ninja [2]
  • Can cut buildings in half
  • Don't need to edit out the pirates' positives to win the contest
  • Have a better website. www.realultimatepower.net
  • Never heard the phrase "And then he flipped out like a pirate and killed everyone" have you?
  • Careful planning and keen reflexes
  • Ninja magic lets them make people's heads explode just by looking at them.
  • Can kill a shipfull of pirates by poisoning the rum supply.
  • Ninjas have way better video games (Shinobi, Tenchu, Ninja Gaiden, etc.)
  • Ninjas are expert thieves and will steal your wallet, your car, your house, your family, and your eyeballs without you even noticing until it's too late.
  • Long ago, there was a great battle between all the pirates in the world and all the ninjas in the world. All the ninjas were lined up on the *shore, and all the pirates were sailing towards them. Suddenly, half of all the ninjas in the world jumped into the air and formed into the *biggest guitar there ever was. The other half of all the ninjas jumped into the air and formed into the biggest fist there ever was. So the *guitar pointed toward the pirates and the pirates were like "HOLY CRAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!" and then the fist slammed into the guitar, and it let *out the biggest, loudest, longest, most incredible guitar wail ever to be heard. And that's how all the ninjas beat all the pirates. (This story is so awesome it counts for like, five points on its own)
  • Ninjas hate pedophiles, which pirates are.
  • Ninjas don't need to eat or drink, but when the fancy strikes them, they will drink sulfuric acid and eat sushi made from the children of their enemies.
  • Robert Hamburger
  • Chuck Norris is some kind of ninja probably.
  • Zanark might like ninjas, but ninjas sure as shit don't like Zanark.
  • Ninjas are capable of doing fifty backflips, each one more totally rad than the last.
  • All ninjas have a skeleton made completely of solid iron. They achieve this through intense meditation which is a standard part of their ninja training.
  • www.askaninja.com
  • There is a ninja watching you right now. You just don't know it. Seriously. They're fucking everywhere all the time, completely undetected.
  • Ninjas utilize flash and smoke bombs to escape not because they need them, but because they have an appreciation for pyrotechnics.
  • Ninjas possess great and boundless wisdom about the universe endowed upon them through the afforementioned intense meditation that is part of their training.
  • Furthermore, this intense meditation and supernatural abilities learned through training render a ninja into something beyond human. While a pirate is simply a miscreant with a taste for rum, ninjas are something akin to gods or demons.
  • The pirate wiki, while more full-featured than the ninja wiki, has remained untouched by ninja hands, because, as previously mentioned, ninjas don't need to edit away shit to make themselves look better. Pirates do not have this level of respect, and also fear any sort of competition.
  • Ninjas don't need to control sea monsters because they themselves have supernatural demon powers.
  • Ninjas are immune to all diseases, unlike pirates who are, as previously established, prone to scurvy.
  • Ninjas have EXTREMELY well-tuned senses. Thusly, a hypothetical ninja without eyes (who probably removed his eyes with a pair of chopsticks just to prove his might) could still see and get around just fine. Pirates, on the other hand, are prone to eye-loss and are thusly at a disadvantage in this fundamental area.

On this same principle, a ninja with eyes (pretty much any given ninja) can do the following

  • See in the dark
  • See into the infrared spectrum
  • See into the ultraviolet spectrum
  • See the future
  • See the past
  • See through walls
  • See through women's clothing
  • See dead people
  • Sushi is a lot better than hardtack.
  • Ninjas are born full-grown.
  • Ninjas have a larger vocabulary, including words such as every word in the Japanese language.
  • Ninjas don't need peg-legs or hook-hands because they can regenerate severed limbs.
  • Ninjas were responsible for starting both world wars.
  • Ninjas were also responsible for ending both world wars.
  • Miko Mido, well-endowed sex ninja, and frequent victim of tentacle rape. (easily worth 25+)

  • I don't think any more needs to be said ever again.

Why Ninjas suck(only negatives)

  • Don't know what a shield is
  • The only thing a ninja plays on his guitar is shred metal, which as we all know, is a completely bullocks. The only redeeming people in that field are Joe Satriani and Ywngie Malmsteen, both of which are Pirates.
  • Ninjas only speak Japanese, only useful in Japan (and Hawaii).
  • They have legions of fanboys following them. The fanboys know nothing about them.
  • Anime has killed any coolness they may have once possessed
  • Zanark likes them.
  • They respect life
  • They suck at highjacking ships
  • RealUltimatePower.net
  • Ninja Burger
  • If Bruce Wayne didn't think joining up with ninjas was worth it, then that's just sad.
  • They are almost always under orders from a daimyo/feudal lord, so they're really just pawns.
  • Bullets are faster than shuriken.
  • So are cannonballs, and they hurt way more. Quantity > quality.
  • Serious lack of creativity in the clothing department.
  • Ninjas are always fully covered, therefore they have pasty skin.
  • Zero sense of humor.
  • They couldn't kill Tom Cruise in "The Last Samurai." Seriously!
  • Ninja's don't have friends.
  • Apparently proponents of tentacle rape... minus 25 points.
  • Have you ever seen an anime girl that doesn't look like she's 15? Pedophile!
  • Ninjas hate pedophiles but they are themselves pedophiles so they must hate themselves... How emo.
  • Ninjas have fewer movies.
  • The ninja wiki steals a lot of Robert Hamburger material. (Most of which is much less funnier and fact based than that of Maddox)
  • The only reason the Power Rangers became ninjas is because they had their powers stolen, probably in some way by pirates. Therefore, the ninja-rangers were only a backup to their actual Power Ranger alteregos.
  • While Ninjas wait in the darkness to make their moves, they tend to " give the ol' tonfa a twirl "
  • Financed the movie Chairman of the Board starring Carrot Top
  • Prefer their drinks with little umbrellas
  • Naruto is a Barnacle-bottomed son of a sea cow
  • Afro-Ninja[3]
  • Closest ninjas ever came to being cool was being crossed with turtles, and even that was a stretch.

Why Pirates suck(only negatives)

  • Bishop
  • After 9 months a sea and only salty ocean baths they stink
  • Orlando Bloom
  • They get more Poon Tang. You might not think this is a negative, but then you start to think about the fact that about 95% of their time is spent on a ship with other guys and you realize where most of the poon tang comes from.
  • Low IQ
  • Wooden legs make for poor balance
  • Pirate guns can only fire once before needing three minutes to reload (Which is useless anyway because ninjas can block bullets)
  • Pirate swords aren't as good as ninja swords
  • Prone to alcoholism
  • Apparently, they can't win the Geddon.org Pirates vs. Ninja contest without editing away the ninja's positives.
  • Charge blindly into combat without thinking
  • Eyepatches eliminate depth perception
  • There aren't any GOOD video games about pirates (games that center around pirates suck by default for being about pirates).
  • Prone to develop scurvy
  • Pirates are the biggest traffickers of child pornography and child prostitution in the world, and that's just terrible.
  • Pirates don't appreciate the beauty of tentacle rape.
  • Pirates love the cock
  • Pirates cannot fly
  • Peg-legs prevent pirates from doing totally rad backflips
  • Hook-hands prevent pirates from playing totally rad guitar solos
  • The parrot on the pirate's shoulder frequently doubles as a sex partner, and that is very, very wrong on many levels.
  • Zanark is a spy and saboteur sent by the pirates to make the ninjas look bad. Ninjas would never resort to such underhanded tactics.
  • Pirates don't seem to realize that cannons were made to sink ships, and not to be used against people.
  • The pirate wiki steals a lot of Maddox material.
  • Pirates are frequently devoid of teeth.

See Also

Personal tools
For Fighters
For Craftsman
Leadership